Everybody lies. A d m i t it
- you do as well. There is probably not a single person who has ever
lived who has not once in his life told a falsehood or misrepresented
the truth, regardless of whether it was unintentional or if he told it
so that someone else’s feelings would not be hurt - or if he did it for
more sinister reasons.
Everybody lies. It may only be “white” lies, but everyone tells lies or “omits the truth” sometimes.
We
start lying at around age 4 to 5 when children gain an awareness of the
use and power of language. This first lying is not malicious, but
rather to find out, or test, what can manipulated in a child’s
environment. Eventually children begin to use lying to get out of
trouble or get something they want.
White
lies, those concocted to protect someone’s feelings, are not a big deal
at all. The person, however, who seems to feel compelled to lie about
both the small and large stuff has a problem.
We
often call these folks pathological liars (which is a description, not
a diagnosis). They lie to protect themselves, look good, gain
financially or socially and avoid punishment. Quite often the person
who has been deceived knows that this type of liar has to a certain
extent deluded him or herself and is therefore to be somewhat pitied.
A
much more troubling group is those who lie a lot — and knowingly — for
personal gain. These people may have a diagnosis called antisocial
personality disorder, also known as being a sociopath, and often get
into scrapes with the law.
Lying often
gets worse with the passage of time. When you get away with a lie it
often impels you to continue your deceptions. Also, liars often find
themselves perpetrating more untruths to cover themselves.
We
hold different people to different standards when it comes to telling
the truth. We expect, for example, less honesty from politicians than
from scientists. We have a vision of purity about those who are doing
research, while we imagine that politicians will at least shade the
truth about themselves in order to get elected.
Why
do we dislike liars, especially sociopaths, so much? It’s a matter of
trust. When a person lies, they have broken a bond – an unspoken
agreement to treat others as we would like to be treated. Serious
deception often makes it impossible for us to trust another person
again.
Because the issue of trust is on
the line, coming clean about the lie as soon as possible is the best
way to mend fences. If the truth only comes out once it is forced,
repair of trust is far less likely.
As a
parent, the most important message you can send your children about
lying is that you always — always — want them to come clean with you.
No matter how big a whopper they have told, remind them that you would
always rather hear the truth, no matter how bad it is, than be
deceived. Tell them there is really nothing more sacred in your
relationship than your trust of each other.
Of
course, all this presupposes that we have discovered an untruth — some
people are so expert at deception that it often takes a long time to
find out that we have been lied to.
If
you lie all the time, even about unimportant things, you are likely to
have a problem that will eventually — if it hasn’t already — cause
you real relationship, financial or legal troubles. Figuring out what
is driving you to lie in the first place will help heal this
self-destructive behavior. This may mean going into treatment with a
therapist to discover why you feel the need to deceive.
